


(but if you loved me)

by 06seconds_left



Category: Ookiku Furikabutte | Big Windup!
Genre: M/M, fanfic of a fanfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-27
Updated: 2015-03-27
Packaged: 2018-03-19 20:44:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3623685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/06seconds_left/pseuds/06seconds_left
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hanai regrets it instantly, had kown he would before he even began speaking.</p>
            </blockquote>





	(but if you loved me)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TDRKBKGO](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TDRKBKGO/gifts).



> Inspired by makkana (aka maktoot)'s beautiful fic, and, with utmost respect, takes place in the same universe. Written for [oofuri_69min](https://twitter.com/oofuri_69min) prompt, “crying," to Kodaline’s, _All I Want._
> 
> Please heed the warnings.

Hanai regrets it instantly, had kown he would before he even began speaking. At the end of his last sentence, he clamps his jaw shut, and wishes desperately to take everything back.

But it’s too late. What has been said cannot be unsaid, and the words ring loud in the quiet room, resounds in the space between them.

Abe squeezes his eyes shut, raising a hand to cover his face. His shoulders shake with every tight, strained breath he takes, and Hanai thinks he can see every crack he’s made in the other man, every scar and burn of their wavering relationship painted in Abe’s posture.

The silence stretches on.

Abe is the first to break it, his frustrated sigh cutting razor sharp through the air. “Fuck this,” he mutters, turning away. His footsteps land heavy on the floor as he stomps down the hallway, snatching his jacket from where it hangs on the back of the couch. He’s already by the entrance of the apartment, struggling into his shoes when Hanai’s brain finally catches up with what’s happening, and kick starts into action.

He rushes forward, trips over his own feet in his hurry, and barely manages to catch himself before he falls. His heart pounds in his chest, like thunder in his ears.  _“Wait—“_ he tries, barely over a whisper, barely audible.

Abe doesn’t stop, turns his back on him, unlocking the door and yanking it open, and he’s so close, yet so far—

Hanai reaches out, snags the ends of Abe’s jacket in his fingers, and hangs on tight. He throws his weight forward, shoving them both into the door as it slams shut once more.

Abe grunts in pain, struggling against him. “Let go, you asshole—“ he grits out, jabbing his elbow into Hanai’s stomach.

It knocks the air from Hanai’s lungs, but he doesn’t back down. When Abe’s struggling gets more vicious, grabbing Hanai’s arm and digging his nails into it, Hanai dips his head close, blurts out, “Wait—wait, just give me a minute.  _Please._ ”

He goes still, freezing in place at the desperate plea.

The split second is enough of a chance, and Hanai wraps his arms around the other man’s waist, clutching at his shirt, and pulling him close. The crook of Abe’s neck is warm, and he tucks his face into that familiar space, inhales deeply to try again,

But fear surges up his throat, flooding his mind, and drowning his thoughts. Suddenly, Hanai is speechless, as the words he needs to say suffocate inside him.

Instead he exhales shakily into Abe’s skin, tightening his grip around the other man. He presses a kiss to Abe’s neck, hoping it’ll be enough, knowing it won’t.

Abe doesn’t respond, every muscle in his body wound tight, tense.

Hanai kisses him again, slow, and feather-light.

And then Abe is turning around, grabbing his jaw in a bruising grip as he mashes their lips together. Their teeth clack painfully until Abe fixes the angle, and then it melts into the sweet wet slide of mouth against mouth, of shared breaths and unspoken words.

———

It isn’t until two weeks later—when they’re lying in Abe’s bed, naked and sweaty and tangled in each other—that Hanai finally,  _finally_  manages to whisper, “Love you.”

Abe’s gray eyes widen, eyebrows lifting in brief surprise, before rolls over and takes Hanai’s face in his hands, bringing their foreheads together in a not-so-gentle bump. “Then stop pushing me away,” he breathes out. “Stay.”

Hanai closes his eyes, loses himself in Abe’s breath flitting across his skin.

———

Hanai wakes with a name on his lips, and an ache in his lungs. In the dim light of dawn, the room is still dark enough to harbour ghosts, and Hanai’s heart skips when, just for a second, he thinks,  _maybe—_

But then reality sinks it claws deep into his heart, and the image dissipates into the sheets, taking with it the leftover warmth of his dreams, leaving his chest hollow. Empty.

Hanai buries his face into the faded sweater in his grasp. He inhales deeply, remembering the solidity of muscle curled against his chest, the warmth of body heat seeping into his skin. The corner of his eyes burn; here, in the too-large room, and too-quiet morning, Hanai doesn’t fight it.

He lets the tears flow.


End file.
